Stoic quotes on jealousy and envy
Envy is attention spent on someone else’s life. Epictetus had a blunt way of looking at it: other people paid a price for what they have, and you can choose whether to pay it. These lines help you take your attention back.
Pick a voice with the Gentle / Tough love buttons at the top. Both versions are on this page.
Quotes
Has any man been preferred before you at a banquet, or in being saluted, or in being invited to a consultation? If these things are good, you ought to rejoice that he has obtained them; but if bad, be not grieved because you have not obtained them.
When someone else gets chosen, ask whether the thing is actually good for you. If it is, be glad for them; if it is not, you have lost nothing. He adds that you cannot expect what others get without doing what they did.
Do not waste the remainder of thy life in thoughts about others, when thou dost not refer thy thoughts to some object of common utility. For thou losest the opportunity of doing something else when thou hast such thoughts as these.
Every thought spent on what someone else is doing, saying or planning is time taken from your own work. Marcus allows one exception: when thinking about others actually helps someone.
Begin the morning by saying to thyself, I shall meet with the busybody, the ungrateful, arrogant, deceitful, envious, unsocial.
Marcus rehearses the day’s irritating people before breakfast, so rudeness is expected instead of a shock. His reason is generous: people behave badly out of confusion about what matters, not because they are out to get you.
I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others.
We care more about what other people think of us than about what we think of ourselves, and Marcus finds that odd. Whose opinion do you trust most, and why?
Of things some are in our power, and others are not.
The first line of Epictetus’s handbook and the heart of Stoicism: some things are up to you and some are not. Sort them first, then spend your effort on the first group.
Such as are thy habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of thy mind; for the soul is dyed by the thoughts.
The thoughts you return to most become the colour of your mind. If you keep rehearsing the worst version of events, that is what the mind learns to expect.
In plain words
Gentle
Feeling envious does not make you a bad person. It usually points at something you want. Try turning it into information: what exactly do they have that you wish you had? Sometimes the answer is a goal worth working toward. Sometimes it is a highlight reel you are comparing to your everyday life. Either way, you get to put the comparison down and come back to your own next step.
Tough love
Envy is you paying for someone else’s life and getting none of it. Epictetus would ask: did you pay what they paid? The hours, the risks, the trade-offs? If you want it, start paying today. If you do not, stop watching. Mute what feeds the comparison for a week and put that time into one thing that is yours.
A five-minute comparison audit
- Write down who or what you envy, in one line.
- Name the specific thing you want, and what it would honestly cost you to get it.
- Decide: pay that price with one step this week, or let it go and mute what keeps reminding you.
Flash cards to repeat
Flip each card, then use “Repeat mode” to cycle through them, or “Read aloud” to hear them. Hearing or reading the same few lines again and again is the point.
- Has any man been preferred before you at a banquet, or in being saluted, or in being invited to a consultation? If these things are good, you ought to rejoice that he has obtained them; but if bad, be not grieved because you have not obtained them.Epictetus, Enchiridion XXV
Gentle: They paid a price you did not. That is not a judgment on your worth.
Tough love: Did you pay what they paid? If not, you have no claim on the prize.
- Do not waste the remainder of thy life in thoughts about others, when thou dost not refer thy thoughts to some object of common utility. For thou losest the opportunity of doing something else when thou hast such thoughts as these.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations III.4
Gentle: Every minute on their life is a minute away from yours. Come back gently.
Tough love: Stop scrolling their life. Do something in yours.
- What does this envy tell me I want?
Gentle: Name it kindly. Wanting something is allowed.
Tough love: Name it, then take one step toward it or drop it.
- Such as are thy habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of thy mind; for the soul is dyed by the thoughts.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations V.16
Gentle: Thoughts repeated become a mood. Choose which ones you repeat.
Tough love: Comparison is a habit. Break it on purpose.
Sounds to sit with
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Books for this feeling
- Modern introduction
How to Be a Stoic
Massimo PigliucciOrganised around Epictetus's ideas, with clear, practical examples of how to apply them.
Find it on Bookshop.org - Psychology
Self-Compassion
Kristin NeffResearch-based case for treating yourself like a friend after a mistake. A good counterweight to tough-love thinking.
Find it on Bookshop.org - Stoic primary text
Meditations
Marcus Aurelius (translated by Gregory Hays)The private notebook of a Roman emperor, written to himself. This is a modern translation, so it reads more easily than the older one quoted on this site.
Find it on Bookshop.org
Questions
What did the Stoics say about envy?
Epictetus (Enchiridion 25) says that if someone is preferred over you, they paid a price for it, such as flattery or effort, and you kept what you did not spend. Marcus Aurelius lists envy among the faults he expects to meet in others each day and warns against wasting life on thoughts about what other people are doing.
Is jealousy the same as envy?
In everyday use they overlap. Envy usually means wanting what someone else has; jealousy often means fear of losing someone or something to another person. The Stoic advice for both is similar: notice the judgment you are adding, and return to what is in your control.
Related feelings
This page offers philosophy and reflection, not therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, call or text 988 (US) or call 911 in an emergency. More help. Quotes are from public-domain translations and are checked against the source. How we verify.