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Stress

  1. Of things some are in our power, and others are not.Epictetus, Enchiridion I

    Gentle: Which parts of this are about your effort and choices, and which depend on other people’s reactions? Start with the first.

    Tough love: Circle what is yours. Act on that today. Stop spending energy on the rest.

  2. There are more things, Lucilius, likely to frighten us than there are to crush us; we suffer more often in imagination than in reality.Seneca, Letter 13, §4 (On groundless fears)

    Gentle: Is this a fact or a prediction? Name the most likely outcome, not only the scariest one.

    Tough love: You are negotiating with a future that has not happened. Write down the facts and ignore the movie.

  3. Be like the promontory against which the waves continually break, but it stands firm and tames the fury of the water around it.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations IV.49

    Gentle: The waves will keep coming. You do not have to stop them, only stay steady.

    Tough love: Stop trying to calm the sea. Be the rock.

  4. What is the next smallest step?

    Gentle: Pick something that takes under five minutes. Starting counts.

    Tough love: Do it now. Then the next one.

  5. If thou art pained by any external thing, it is not this thing that disturbs thee, but thy own judgment about it. And it is in thy power to wipe out this judgment now.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations VIII.47

    Gentle: What judgment are you adding on top of this? You can set it down.

    Tough love: The thing is not hurting you. Your verdict about it is. Change the verdict.

Anxiety

  1. There are more things, Lucilius, likely to frighten us than there are to crush us; we suffer more often in imagination than in reality.Seneca, Letter 13, §4 (On groundless fears)

    Gentle: Name the most likely outcome in one calm sentence.

    Tough love: Fact or prediction? Write only the facts.

  2. And there is nothing more wretched or foolish than premature fear.Seneca, Letter 98, §7 (On the fickleness of fortune)

    Gentle: Fear before the event is the one fear you can put down early.

    Tough love: Premature fear is pure waste. Stop paying for what has not happened.

  3. Some things torment us more than they ought; some torment us before they ought; and some torment us when they ought not to torment us at all.Seneca, Letter 13, §5 (On groundless fears)

    Gentle: Is this worry too big, too early, or not mine to carry? Naming the kind often loosens it.

    Tough love: Sort it into too big, too early or not mine. Then act or drop it.

  4. What is true right now?

    Gentle: Name three things: where you are, what you can feel, what you can do next.

    Tough love: Only the present is real. What is the next action in it?

  5. That which has been long expected comes more gently.Seneca, Letter 78, §29 (On the healing power of the mind)

    Gentle: Looking at a hard thing calmly, once, can take some of its sting before it arrives.

    Tough love: Look at it straight, once, calmly. Then stop rehearsing.

Anger

  1. The greatest remedy for anger is delay: beg anger to grant you this at the first, not in order that it may pardon the offence, but that it may form a right judgment about it.Seneca, On Anger, Book II, ch. 29

    Gentle: Give it ten minutes before you do anything.

    Tough love: Not yet. Ten minutes, phone down.

  2. The best way of avenging thyself is not to become like [the wrong-doer].Marcus Aurelius, Meditations VI.6

    Gentle: Do you want to be the version of you who acts like this?

    Tough love: Revenge makes you them. Be better, quietly.

  3. Remember that it is not he who reviles you or strikes you, who insults you, but it is your opinion about these things as being insulting. … For if you once gain time and delay, you will more easily master yourself.Epictetus, Enchiridion XX

    Gentle: What story am I telling about what they meant?

    Tough love: The insult is your interpretation. Rewrite it.

  4. Consider how much more pain is brought on us by the anger and vexation caused by such acts than by the acts themselves, at which we are angry and vexed.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations XI.18

    Gentle: Count what this anger is costing you: sleep, focus, calm.

    Tough love: The anger is hurting you more than they did. Stop paying.

  5. What is under the anger?

    Gentle: Hurt? Fear? Tired? Name it as exactly as you can. It helps.

    Tough love: Name it. Then decide: act on it or drop it.

Loneliness

  1. Solitude will cure us when we are sick of crowds, and crowds will cure us when we are sick of solitude.Seneca, On Peace of Mind, ch. 17

    Gentle: Needing both people and quiet is normal. Which do you need today?

    Tough love: Do not just drift. Choose: reach out, or enjoy the quiet on purpose.

  2. For we are made for co-operation, like feet, like hands, like eyelids, like the rows of the upper and lower teeth.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations II.1

    Gentle: You are built for other people. Wanting company is not weakness.

    Tough love: Cooperation takes action. Send the message.

  3. No good thing is pleasant to possess, without friends to share it.Seneca, Letter 6, §4 (On sharing knowledge)

    Gentle: Good things feel better shared. Who would you tell?

    Tough love: You are sitting on something good. Tell someone.

  4. Who did you last enjoy talking to?

    Gentle: Start there. A short message counts.

    Tough love: Text them now.

  5. Withdraw into yourself, as far as you can. Associate with those who will make a better man of you.Seneca, Letter 7, §8 (On crowds)

    Gentle: Choose your company: who makes you feel more like yourself?

    Tough love: Spend more time with people who improve you, and less with people who do not.

Failure

  1. Be not disgusted, nor discouraged, nor dissatisfied, if thou dost not succeed in doing everything according to right principles, but when thou hast failed, return back again, and be content if the greater part of what thou doest is consistent with man's nature, and love this to which thou returnest.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations V.9

    Gentle: Come back. Most of what you do is fine, and the return is the point.

    Tough love: You failed. Fine. Return today, not next week.

  2. Fire tries gold, misfortune tries brave men.Seneca, On Providence, ch. 5

    Gentle: This is a test of your character, not a verdict on it.

    Tough love: Fire tests gold. Do not run from the fire.

  3. You can be invincible, if you enter into no contest in which it is not in your power to conquer.Epictetus, Enchiridion XIX

    Gentle: Which contests are about your effort, and which are about luck? Put your weight on the first.

    Tough love: Stop entering contests you cannot control. Win the ones you can.

  4. What is my part, and what is not?

    Gentle: Own your part kindly. Leave the rest.

    Tough love: Own it fully. Then fix it.

  5. The rational animal is able to make every hindrance its own material, and to use it for such purposes as it may have designed.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations VIII.35

    Gentle: What does this obstacle give you something to practise on?

    Tough love: Use it. What is the next rep?

Motivation

  1. Remember how long thou hast been putting off these things, and how often thou hast received an opportunity from the gods, and yet dost not use it.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations II.4

    Gentle: You have had chances before. This is another one, and it is small.

    Tough love: You have been putting this off. Today is the day you stop.

  2. While we are postponing, life speeds by.Seneca, Letter 1, §2 (On saving time)

    Gentle: What is the smallest piece you could finish today?

    Tough love: Every day you wait is a day gone. Start.

  3. How long will you then still defer thinking yourself worthy of the best things? … You are no longer a youth, but already a full-grown man.Epictetus, Enchiridion L

    Gentle: You are already able to begin. Nobody is going to give you permission.

    Tough love: You are a grown adult. Do the thing.

  4. What is the five-minute version?

    Gentle: Do just that. Stopping after is allowed.

    Tough love: Do it now. Then decide whether to stop.

  5. Hold every hour in your grasp. Lay hold of to-day’s task, and you will not need to depend so much upon to-morrow’s.Seneca, Letter 1, §2 (On saving time)

    Gentle: Today’s task, today. Tomorrow will need less of you.

    Tough love: Finish today’s work today.

Overthinking

  1. Such as are thy habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of thy mind; for the soul is dyed by the thoughts.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations V.16

    Gentle: What have you been feeding your mind lately? What would you like to feed it instead?

    Tough love: You become what you rehearse. Rehearse something useful.

  2. If thou art pained by any external thing, it is not this thing that disturbs thee, but thy own judgment about it. And it is in thy power to wipe out this judgment now.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations VIII.47

    Gentle: What is the judgment under the thought? You can examine it.

    Tough love: The thought is a verdict. Challenge it.

  3. Some things torment us more than they ought; some torment us before they ought; and some torment us when they ought not to torment us at all.Seneca, Letter 13, §5 (On groundless fears)

    Gentle: Too much, too soon, or about something that should not trouble you?

    Tough love: Sort the thought. Then act on it or drop it.

  4. Is there any action I can take today?

    Gentle: If yes, write the step. If no, say “noted” and move on.

    Tough love: Act or drop. No third option.

  5. Do not disturb thyself by thinking of the whole of thy life. Let not thy thoughts at once embrace all the various troubles which thou mayest expect to befall thee: but on every occasion ask thyself, What is there in this which is intolerable and past bearing? … remember that neither the future nor the past pains thee, but only the present.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations VIII.36

    Gentle: Only this hour. Is this moment actually unbearable?

    Tough love: Stop carrying the whole year. Handle this hour.

Regret

  1. Repentance is a kind of self-reproof for having neglected something useful.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations VIII.10

    Gentle: What was useful that you skipped? What would you do next time?

    Tough love: Take the lesson. Leave the guilt.

  2. If any man is able to convince me and show me that I do not think or act right, I will gladly change.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations VI.21

    Gentle: Change is possible and welcome. What is the one thing you would change?

    Tough love: If you were wrong, change. That is the whole job.

  3. If thou wilt take no notice of all the past, and trust the future to providence, and direct the present only conformably to piety and justice.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations XII.1

    Gentle: You can let the past stay in the past. Today needs you.

    Tough love: Stop re-judging yesterday. Work on today.

  4. Is there a repair I can make?

    Gentle: If so, keep it short and honest. If not, say so to yourself and move on.

    Tough love: Make it this week. Then stop.

  5. Hold every hour in your grasp. Lay hold of to-day’s task, and you will not need to depend so much upon to-morrow’s.Seneca, Letter 1, §2 (On saving time)

    Gentle: What is today’s task? Do that well.

    Tough love: The only hour you can use is this one.

Rejection

  1. If you are told that such an one speaks ill of you, make no defence against what was said, but answer, He surely knew not my other faults, else he would not have mentioned these only!Epictetus, Golden Sayings CLXIX

    Gentle: You do not have to argue every criticism. A little humour can help.

    Tough love: Do not defend. Check whether it is true, and move on.

  2. I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations XII.4

    Gentle: Whose opinion of you do you trust most, and why?

    Tough love: You are letting a stranger outvote you. Take your vote back.

  3. Remember that it is not he who reviles you or strikes you, who insults you, but it is your opinion about these things as being insulting. … For if you once gain time and delay, you will more easily master yourself.Epictetus, Enchiridion XX

    Gentle: What story are you telling about what they meant?

    Tough love: The insult is in your reading of it. Re-read it.

  4. What does this actually prove?

    Gentle: Usually less than it feels like. Write it down and look.

    Tough love: Probably nothing about your worth. What is the next move?

  5. If you would improve, submit to be considered without sense and foolish with respect to externals.Epictetus, Enchiridion XIII

    Gentle: Growth often looks awkward from outside. That is okay.

    Tough love: Look foolish on purpose. It is the price of improving.

Fear

  1. Boys fear trifles, children fear shadows, we fear both.Seneca, Letter 4, §2 (On the terrors of death)

    Gentle: Is this a real threat or a shadow? Ask it honestly.

    Tough love: Name the shadow. Then walk through it.

  2. And there is nothing more wretched or foolish than premature fear.Seneca, Letter 98, §7 (On the fickleness of fortune)

    Gentle: Fear before the event is the kind you can put down early.

    Tough love: Premature fear is a waste. Stop paying.

  3. Nothing happens to any man which he is not formed by nature to bear.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations V.18

    Gentle: You have what it takes to bear what comes. It may still hurt, and you do not have to do it alone.

    Tough love: You can bear it. Act.

  4. What is the worst realistic outcome?

    Gentle: Write it down. Then write how you would cope.

    Tough love: Write it. Then do one step toward the thing.

  5. No prizefighter can go with high spirits into the strife if he has never been beaten black and blue. … one who, as often as he falls, rises again with greater defiance than ever.Seneca, Letter 13, §2 (On groundless fears)

    Gentle: Falling and getting up is how confidence is built.

    Tough love: You get strong by getting hit. Step in.

Things you can’t control

  1. Of things some are in our power, and others are not.Epictetus, Enchiridion I

    Gentle: Sort it: what is yours, and what is not?

    Tough love: Act on yours. Drop the rest.

  2. Seek not that the things which happen should happen as you wish; but wish the things which happen to be as they are, and you will have a tranquil flow of life.Epictetus, Enchiridion VIII

    Gentle: Can you stop demanding that this be different, just for today?

    Tough love: Stop arguing with what already happened.

  3. Aye, the willing soul Fate leads, but the unwilling drags along.Seneca, Letter 107, §11 (On obedience to the universal will)

    Gentle: You are going the same way either way. How do you want to go?

    Tough love: Stop being dragged. Walk.

  4. What is the part that is mine?

    Gentle: A response, a preparation, a boundary, a conversation. Pick one.

    Tough love: Pick one. Do it today.

  5. Nothing happens to any man which he is not formed by nature to bear.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations V.18

    Gentle: You have what you need to bear this. Ask for help if you need it.

    Tough love: You can bear it. Get on with it.

Overwhelm and burnout

  1. Do not disturb thyself by thinking of the whole of thy life. Let not thy thoughts at once embrace all the various troubles which thou mayest expect to befall thee: but on every occasion ask thyself, What is there in this which is intolerable and past bearing? … remember that neither the future nor the past pains thee, but only the present.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations VIII.36

    Gentle: Just this hour. What is the one thing in front of you?

    Tough love: Handle this hour. Stop carrying the whole month.

  2. We must humour our minds and grant them rest from time to time, which acts upon them like food, and restores their strength.Seneca, On Peace of Mind, ch. 17

    Gentle: Rest is not laziness. It feeds the mind.

    Tough love: Rest like it is part of the work, because it is.

  3. Neither ought we always to keep the mind strained to the same pitch, but it ought sometimes to be relaxed by amusement.Seneca, On Peace of Mind, ch. 17

    Gentle: What would a little play or relaxation look like today?

    Tough love: A bow that is always drawn loses its spring. Put it down.

  4. What are the three things that matter today?

    Gentle: Write three. Let the rest wait.

    Tough love: Three. Not seven. Do them.

  5. You need a change of soul rather than a change of climate.Seneca, Letter 28, §1 (On travel as a cure for discontent)

    Gentle: A change of scene may not be what you need. What weight are you carrying?

    Tough love: A trip will not fix this. Fix what you are carrying.

Jealousy & envy

  1. Has any man been preferred before you at a banquet, or in being saluted, or in being invited to a consultation? If these things are good, you ought to rejoice that he has obtained them; but if bad, be not grieved because you have not obtained them.Epictetus, Enchiridion XXV

    Gentle: They paid a price you did not. That is not a judgment on your worth.

    Tough love: Did you pay what they paid? If not, you have no claim on the prize.

  2. Do not waste the remainder of thy life in thoughts about others, when thou dost not refer thy thoughts to some object of common utility. For thou losest the opportunity of doing something else when thou hast such thoughts as these.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations III.4

    Gentle: Every minute on their life is a minute away from yours. Come back gently.

    Tough love: Stop scrolling their life. Do something in yours.

  3. What does this envy tell me I want?

    Gentle: Name it kindly. Wanting something is allowed.

    Tough love: Name it, then take one step toward it or drop it.

  4. Such as are thy habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of thy mind; for the soul is dyed by the thoughts.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations V.16

    Gentle: Thoughts repeated become a mood. Choose which ones you repeat.

    Tough love: Comparison is a habit. Break it on purpose.

Burnout

  1. Men’s minds ought to have relaxation: they rise up better and more vigorous after rest. … continuous toil produces a sort of numbness and sluggishness.Seneca, On Peace of Mind, ch. 17

    Gentle: Rest is part of the work, not a reward for finishing it.

    Tough love: Numb and sluggish is the cost of never stopping. Schedule the rest.

  2. Be not ashamed to be helped; for it is thy business to do thy duty like a soldier in the assault on a town. How then, if being lame thou canst not mount up on the battlements alone, but with the help of another it is possible?Marcus Aurelius, Meditations VII.7

    Gentle: Even an emperor needed help up the wall. You can ask too.

    Tough love: Pride is not a plan. Ask for help today.

  3. Do not disturb thyself by thinking of the whole of thy life. Let not thy thoughts at once embrace all the various troubles which thou mayest expect to befall thee: but on every occasion ask thyself, What is there in this which is intolerable and past bearing? … remember that neither the future nor the past pains thee, but only the present.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations VIII.36

    Gentle: Only today has to be carried today.

    Tough love: Stop carrying next month. Handle this hour.

  4. What can I put down this week?

    Gentle: One thing is enough. Let it go without guilt.

    Tough love: Name it, cancel it, move on.

Self-doubt

  1. If a thing is difficult to be accomplished by thyself, do not think that it is impossible for man: but if anything is possible for man and conformable to his nature, think that this can be attained by thyself too.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations VI.19

    Gentle: Hard for you right now is not the same as impossible.

    Tough love: Others have done it. Start learning how.

  2. No prizefighter can go with high spirits into the strife if he has never been beaten black and blue. … one who, as often as he falls, rises again with greater defiance than ever.Seneca, Letter 13, §2 (On groundless fears)

    Gentle: Getting knocked down is part of learning, not proof you do not belong.

    Tough love: You only earn confidence by taking hits. Step in.

  3. If you would improve, submit to be considered without sense and foolish with respect to externals.Epictetus, Enchiridion XIII

    Gentle: Looking unsure while learning is normal.

    Tough love: Be willing to look foolish. It is the price of getting better.

  4. What is my evidence?

    Gentle: List what you have already managed. It is longer than you think.

    Tough love: Feelings are not evidence. Go collect some.

Losing a job

  1. Unhappy am I because this has happened to me? Not so, but happy am I, though this has happened to me, because I continue free from pain, neither crushed by the present nor fearing the future.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations IV.49

    Gentle: This happened to you. It does not get to decide who you are.

    Tough love: Unlucky? Maybe. Crushed? Only if you agree to be.

  2. The art of life is more like the wrestler's art than the dancer's, in respect of this, that it should stand ready and firm to meet onsets which are sudden and unexpected.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations VII.61

    Gentle: Being knocked off your feet is not the end of the match.

    Tough love: You got thrown. Get up and set your feet.

  3. Of things some are in our power, and others are not.Epictetus, Enchiridion I

    Gentle: The decision was not yours. The next step is.

    Tough love: Stop arguing with their decision. Own your response.

  4. What did I do well there?

    Gentle: Write three things. They came with you.

    Tough love: Write three wins. Put them in every application.

Cards are original guidance on verified quotes. Not therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis call or text 988 (US).