Stoic quotes about what you can’t control
Epictetus opens his handbook by dividing the world in two: what is up to you and what is not. Almost all Stoic advice is a way of living by that line. If you feel helpless right now, start here.
Pick a voice with the Gentle / Tough love buttons at the top. Both versions are on this page.
Quotes
Of things some are in our power, and others are not.
The first line of Epictetus’s handbook and the heart of Stoicism: some things are up to you and some are not. Sort them first, then spend your effort on the first group.
Seek not that the things which happen should happen as you wish; but wish the things which happen to be as they are, and you will have a tranquil flow of life.
Stop demanding that events match your wishes. Wishing for things to be as they are, once they are done, gives you a calmer life. It is a stance for what is already out of your hands, not for what you can still change.
Aye, the willing soul Fate leads, but the unwilling drags along.
Seneca quotes a verse: fate leads the willing and drags the unwilling. You are going the same way either way. The difference is how you go.
Seneca is quoting a verse he attributes to the Stoic Cleanthes.
Love that only which happens to thee and is spun with the thread of thy destiny.
Marcus’s hardest form of acceptance: stop arguing with what has already happened and work with it as the actual material of your life. It is an ideal to aim at, not a feeling you can summon on command.
Nothing happens to any man which he is not formed by nature to bear.
Marcus’s claim is that you have what it takes to bear what comes. It does not say it will not hurt, and it does not say you must do it alone.
Remember that thou art an actor in a play, of such a kind as the teacher (author) may choose; if short, of a short one; if long, of a long one. … For this is your duty, to act well the part that is given to you; but to select the part, belongs to another.
You are an actor in a play written by someone else. You do not pick the role or its length, but you can play it well. The part you control is the performance.
In plain words
Gentle
Not being able to control something is one of the hardest things to sit with. You do not have to like it. You can acknowledge that it is hard, and then ask where your energy is best placed. There is nearly always something that is yours: a response, a preparation, a boundary, a conversation. Start there, and let the rest be what it is for now.
Tough love
Stop spending effort on what is not yours. Divide a page in two: what I control, what I do not. Spend your day on the left. For the right, decide your attitude once and move on. Acceptance is not surrender. It is directing your effort where it can do something.
Two columns
- Draw two columns: “up to me” and “not up to me”. List what is on your mind.
- Pick one item from the first column and take a step on it today.
- For one item in the second column, write the attitude you want to hold toward it.
Flash cards to repeat
Flip each card, then use “Repeat mode” to cycle through them, or “Read aloud” to hear them. Hearing or reading the same few lines again and again is the point.
- Of things some are in our power, and others are not.Epictetus, Enchiridion I
Gentle: Sort it: what is yours, and what is not?
Tough love: Act on yours. Drop the rest.
- Seek not that the things which happen should happen as you wish; but wish the things which happen to be as they are, and you will have a tranquil flow of life.Epictetus, Enchiridion VIII
Gentle: Can you stop demanding that this be different, just for today?
Tough love: Stop arguing with what already happened.
- Aye, the willing soul Fate leads, but the unwilling drags along.Seneca, Letter 107, §11 (On obedience to the universal will)
Gentle: You are going the same way either way. How do you want to go?
Tough love: Stop being dragged. Walk.
- What is the part that is mine?
Gentle: A response, a preparation, a boundary, a conversation. Pick one.
Tough love: Pick one. Do it today.
- Nothing happens to any man which he is not formed by nature to bear.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations V.18
Gentle: You have what you need to bear this. Ask for help if you need it.
Tough love: You can bear it. Get on with it.
Sounds to sit with
Generated in your browser. No audio files, nothing is uploaded. Press a button to start and again to stop.
Books for this feeling
- Modern introduction
How to Be a Stoic
Massimo PigliucciOrganised around Epictetus's ideas, with clear, practical examples of how to apply them.
Find it on Bookshop.org - Contemplative
When Things Fall Apart
Pema ChodronGentle, Buddhist-inspired advice for staying with hard feelings and uncertainty instead of running from them.
Find it on Bookshop.org - Stoic primary text
Discourses and Selected Writings
Epictetus (translated by Robert Dobbin)Epictetus was born a slave and taught that freedom lives in how you judge things. Includes the short handbook (Enchiridion) quoted on this site.
Find it on Bookshop.org
Questions
Does accepting things mean giving up?
No. Epictetus’s advice is about where you put your effort. Put it fully into what you can influence, such as your preparation, your choices and your tone, and stop spending it on outcomes that belong to others or to chance. You can accept a situation and still work hard to change it.
What is the dichotomy of control?
It is the modern name for the first line of Epictetus’s handbook: some things are up to us and some are not. The practice is to sort each worry into one group or the other, and act only on the first.
Related feelings
This page offers philosophy and reflection, not therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, call or text 988 (US) or call 911 in an emergency. More help. Quotes are from public-domain translations and are checked against the source. How we verify.