Stoic quotes for regret
Regret is a useful signal that turns toxic when we replay it. The Stoic approach is to take the lesson, make the repair if there is one, and come back to today.
Pick a voice with the Gentle / Tough love buttons at the top. Both versions are on this page.
Quotes
Repentance is a kind of self-reproof for having neglected something useful.
Regret, for Marcus, is a signal: you skipped something that would have helped. Treat it as information about what to do differently, not as a verdict on who you are.
If any man is able to convince me and show me that I do not think or act right, I will gladly change.
Marcus says he would gladly change if someone showed him he was wrong, because truth can only help him. Useful when you are replaying a mistake: ask what the fix is, not how bad you are.
Be not disgusted, nor discouraged, nor dissatisfied, if thou dost not succeed in doing everything according to right principles, but when thou hast failed, return back again, and be content if the greater part of what thou doest is consistent with man's nature, and love this to which thou returnest.
If you fail, do not throw out the whole plan. Come back, accept that you will get most things right and some wrong, and love the effort you are returning to.
If thou wilt take no notice of all the past, and trust the future to providence, and direct the present only conformably to piety and justice.
Marcus says peace is available now if you stop re-judging the past, leave the future to unfold, and act well in the present. He is not asking you to forget, only not to live there.
Hold every hour in your grasp. Lay hold of to-day’s task, and you will not need to depend so much upon to-morrow’s.
Handle today’s task today, and tomorrow will need less of you. Seneca’s answer to a mind that keeps pushing things back.
The fool, with all his other faults, has this also,—he is always getting ready to live.”
Seneca’s dig at “someday” thinking: always getting ready to live and never living.
In plain words
Gentle
Regret says: I would do that differently now. That means you have learned something, which is worth noticing. Look at what happened with the same kindness you would give a friend. What was the real lesson? Is there an apology or repair you can make? Make it, then let the rest rest. You cannot change the past, but you can stop living in it.
Tough love
You cannot fix yesterday. You can fix what you do about it today. Write the lesson in one sentence. If there is someone to apologise to, do it this week, briefly, without excuses. Then stop reopening it. Regret you keep feeding is self-punishment dressed up as accountability.
Lesson and repair
- Write: what happened, what I would do differently, and the lesson in one sentence.
- If an apology or repair is possible, draft it short and without excuses, and send it this week.
- Do one thing today that your future self will thank you for.
Flash cards to repeat
Flip each card, then use “Repeat mode” to cycle through them, or “Read aloud” to hear them. Hearing or reading the same few lines again and again is the point.
- Repentance is a kind of self-reproof for having neglected something useful.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations VIII.10
Gentle: What was useful that you skipped? What would you do next time?
Tough love: Take the lesson. Leave the guilt.
- If any man is able to convince me and show me that I do not think or act right, I will gladly change.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations VI.21
Gentle: Change is possible and welcome. What is the one thing you would change?
Tough love: If you were wrong, change. That is the whole job.
- If thou wilt take no notice of all the past, and trust the future to providence, and direct the present only conformably to piety and justice.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations XII.1
Gentle: You can let the past stay in the past. Today needs you.
Tough love: Stop re-judging yesterday. Work on today.
- Is there a repair I can make?
Gentle: If so, keep it short and honest. If not, say so to yourself and move on.
Tough love: Make it this week. Then stop.
- Hold every hour in your grasp. Lay hold of to-day’s task, and you will not need to depend so much upon to-morrow’s.Seneca, Letter 1, §2 (On saving time)
Gentle: What is today’s task? Do that well.
Tough love: The only hour you can use is this one.
Sounds to sit with
Generated in your browser. No audio files, nothing is uploaded. Press a button to start and again to stop.
Books for this feeling
- Psychology
Self-Compassion
Kristin NeffResearch-based case for treating yourself like a friend after a mistake. A good counterweight to tough-love thinking.
Find it on Bookshop.org - Stoic primary text
Letters from a Stoic
Seneca (translated by Robin Campbell)Seneca's letters to a younger friend on fear, grief, time and friendship. Short, warm, and surprisingly modern. A good first Stoic book.
Find it on Bookshop.org - Modern introduction
How to Be a Stoic
Massimo PigliucciOrganised around Epictetus's ideas, with clear, practical examples of how to apply them.
Find it on Bookshop.org
Questions
Is it Stoic to feel regret?
In Meditations VIII.10 Marcus treats repentance as a kind of self-reproof for having neglected something useful: in other words, a signal to act differently. He does not encourage wallowing.
How do I forgive myself?
It usually helps to separate the act from your worth, make amends if you can, and give yourself the same understanding you would give a friend. If guilt is overwhelming or constant, a therapist can help.
Related feelings
This page offers philosophy and reflection, not therapy or medical advice. If you are in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, call or text 988 (US) or call 911 in an emergency. More help. Quotes are from public-domain translations and are checked against the source. How we verify.